Bundle of Joy alert: Woman claims Justin Bieber is the father of her child.

Publication: Star

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

Back in the 1990s, Bill Clinton's penis got him in so much trouble it got its own nickname, the Clenis.

Here in the 2010s, we may have to start referring to the Bienis.  Star has uncovered a young woman who says Justin Bieber is the father of her child.  Here are the headlines.

• Justin Bieber is the father of my baby!
• World exclusive
• Baby Tristin and mom Mariah
• 20-year-old's shocking lawsuit
• Where they met
• The paternity test
• 'He told me it was his first time'
• Official court documents

This might become one of the major scoops of the year if it isn't complete nonsense.  This blog takes a wait and see approach at present.

Love Bird Alert™: Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves

Publications: OK!, Star

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! One of the first rules of the gossip rags is that if two people are willing to have their picture taken together, things of a fluid exchange nature must be taking place behind closed doors.  

 

Welcome to gossip hell, Keanu Reeves!  He had a dinner date with his Speed co-star Sandra Bullock, so they must be doing the nasty.  Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Sandra moves on: Happy with Keanu
• Star: Sandra hooks up with Keanu

I don't buy it for a minute.

On the rocks alert: The divorce of Kim'n'Kris makes the cover of SEVEN gossip rags.

Publications: People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, Star, National Enquirer

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

 

Fresh trash... on Wednesdays!  Yes, we get a story covered in seven supermarket rags, the most of any story in at least two years.

It's official!  I now hate Kim Kardashian's guts.  After nearly two years for not caring one way or the other, her obvious timing of ending her marriage for maximum exposure in the supermarket rags convinces me that she is exactly why the 99% should consider our modern society all out class warfare.

Here are the headlines from all seven magazines, which should be counted as a clean sweep. (The Globe and low rent Examiner skew too old for Kris, and the Sun is only interested in the End of the World.)

• People: Kim's 72-day marriage: Mistake or fake?
  The real story
  Exclusive details
  What drove her to divorce now
  Husband Kris blindsided
  Just another reality TV stunt?
• In Touch: $500 Million Divorce!
  The shocking betrayal that could void Kim's prenup!
• OK!:  Kim files for divorce: "We're done!"
  After only 72 days!
  Why Kim felt trapped, embarrassed and tricked
  Kris' ultimatum: "Me or your family"
  He throws a divorce party
  Kim tells OK!: "This isn't easy"
• Weekly Life & Style: First interview only in Life&Style
  Why I left him
  An embarrassed Kim: 'There was nothing else I could do'
  Kris wants the ring back: 'She used me!'
  Ex-boyfriend Reggie asks to reunite
• Star: Kim: single & pregnant
  Divorce bombshell
  Showdown over baby ended marriage
• National Enquirer: After divorce papers filed…
  Kim & Kris' wedding scam exposed!
  photo proof inside
• Us Weekly:  My Big mistake
  Inside their final days
  Why Kim almost called off the wedding
  Their nasty private fights
  Did they marry for love or money?

 I have only one comment.  If Reggie Bush really wants to get back into the middle of this circus, he should get tested for concussion related brain damage.

Bells Are Ringing™ alert: Halle Berry to wed for the third time.

Publication: Star

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow!  Last trash of the week... right now!

 

Star has an exclusive story that Halle Berry is going to get married for the third time.  Her groom is not mentioned.

This gives me an excuse to put this picture of her up again.

Which I like.

'Cos she's purdy.

Man slut alert: Harry the homewrecker.

Publication: Star

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Prince Harry, the ginger headed royal rascal who doesn't look much like his mum or his dad, is allegedly up to his rakish tricks according to the Star, stealing another man's woman.

I say let him have his fun.  It's not like he has a real job, is it?

On the rocks alert: This week's Kim'N'Kris news, all bad.

Publications: People, In Touch, OK!, Star, Us Weekly
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The lyricist Fran Landesman died this year. One of her best known songs from the 1950s is The Ballad of the Sad Young Men, which has this opening verse.

Sing a song of sad young men,
Glasses full of rye.
All the news is bad again so
Kiss your dreams goodbye.

I don't know if it was really Kris Humphries' dream to marry a glamour girl, but if it was, I feel a little sorry for him. Here are the headlines about their marriage, barely two months old and already circling the drain, if we accept the stories on five gossip rag covers this week.

• People: Kim on married life: "It's not been ideal."
• OK!: Kris begs Kim: "Don't leave me!"
  His humiliating apology to Kim
  He comes clean about the other women
  Kim speaks candidly to OK! on what she hates about Kris
• In Touch: Inside Kim's fake marriage
• Star: Kim moves out!
  She's sick of Kris spending all her money
• Us Weekly: Enough!
  After a vicious fight Kim tells Kris: Stop mooching and get to work!
  As Kim worries she made the mistake of her life, can she save her marriage?

No Bun in the oven alert™: Beyonce's pregnancy a hoax?

Publication: Star
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

There is no nicer story in the gossip rags than a happily married celebrity having a child, but Star is doing everything they can to piss in Beyoncé's punch bowl, so to speak. Last month, they wrote Jay-Z had a secret love child. In this month's "exclusive", some family member says Beyoncé is not actually pregnant.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Angie eats 800 calories a day.

Publication: Star
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The latest flaw in the personality of Angelina Jolie to be flogged mercilessly by the supermarket rags is that she is too skinny. Star is the main perpetrator of this story, but not the only one. They also say she is headed for rehab.

On the rocks alert and Man Slut warning: Kris Humphries does his Ashton Kutcher impression.

Publications: Star, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Here it is, October 20, but the magazine that hit the stand today are dated October 31. These Halloween gossip rags bring no treats for little hobbit hottie Kim Kardashian and her orc groom Kris Humphries. Earlier stories of trouble in their months old marriage were all over the place, but this week two magazines have agreed on a narrative.

Kris is a man slut and Kim is going to kick him to the curb. Here are the headlines.

• Star: Breaking News
  Kim & Kris THE END
  'He never really loved her' - shocking tell-all
  Kris leaves town alone
  She catches him with two women
  They taunt Kim with the details
  Now: a divorce lawyer
• Weekly Life & Style: Friends and family confirm
  Headed for a split!
  Has Kris cheated already?
  Kris caught with a blonde at 5 a.m.
  Kim's ring is off
  Inside their screaming fights
  The Kardashians scramble to protect their millions
  

Hussy alert: Cameron battles Jessica for Justin

Publication: Star
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Star magazine says the newly single Cameron Diaz is ready to battle for the affections of her former beau Justin Timberlake with his current squeeze Jessica Biel. There was a story about these three in a love triangle back in April 2010, with Justin the man slut as the instigator.

Demon Drugs and bun in the oven alert™: Amanda Knox heavy with child and hopped up on goofballs.

Publications: National Enquirer, Star
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Two stories about the newly freed Amanda Knox, with the Enquirer being much meaner than the Star. Here are the headlines.

• National Enquirer: Amanda Knox drug deal exposed!
  What really happened on night of murder
  Plus her bombshell baby secret!
• Star: Exclusive!
  a baby for Amanda Knox

It's always fun to see the "Exclusive!" headline on a story other mags are also talking about.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Best and worst celebrity beach bodies October 2011.

Publication: Star
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Hugh Jackman! The Aussie movie star gets his first mention on the cover of any American gossip rag this decade on a best and worst beach body story. Not surprisingly, the 43 year old gets on the best list. We can also welcome to gossip hell Julie Bowen and Pierce Brosnan, who don't get such nice treatment.

The good.

• Hugh Jackman
• Gwyneth Paltrow
• Kourtney Kardashian, in a rare positive story about that family right now

The bad.

• Uma Thurman has a little belly
• Pierce Brosnan has a big belly
• Kirsten Dunst has a very visible spinal chord
• Julie Bowen looks wrinkly
• Christina Aguilera is getting heavy
  

Love Bird Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. And, oh yeah, Sandra Bullock and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Publications: People, In Touch, Star, OK!
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively were co-stars in Green Lantern this year, which explains this picture of them together at ComicCon, where Ryan stares into the camera manfully instead of gazing at the obvious focal point for every other guy in the room. Now they are supposed to be a couple, which allegedly brings heartbreak to Sandra Bullock, who has been romantically linked to Reynolds in several stories that both of them have denied. Blake's brief romance with Leonardo DiCaprio is also mentioned. Here are the headlines.

• People: Ryan Reynolds & Blake Lively: New Romance?
• OK!: Blake steals Sandra's man!
  she's 23 years younger than Sandra!
  Right after dumping Leo, Blake hooks up with Ryan.
  Inside their steamy Boston weekend!
• Star: Exclusive details
  Sandra dumped by Ryan
• In Touch: Blake: How she stole Ryan

All this week's Real Housewives stuff. And there's a lot.

Publications: Star, In Touch, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell and good bye, Jacqueline Laurita! The Real Housewife gets her first mention on the cover of a supermarket rag this year just as she is quitting the show.

Wise move as far as I can tell, though I don't watch this stuff.

I mean, like ever. Not even stopping for a minute while using the clicker.

Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Housewives fight
  Why Jacqueline quit
• Star: Bethenny divorce
  Her mom tells all
• In Touch: Jacqueline attacks Teresa!
  Why she snapped
• Us Weekly: Teresa's plot to destroy Melissa

On the rocks alert: Angie and her bodyguard too close!

Publication: Star
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! All things must pass and there will come a week when all will be silent forever more on the BrAngelina front.

This is not that week. Next week doesn't look good either.

This time, it's the Star saying Angie is up to her old tricks, this time with the bodyguard and Brad is in a jealous rage.

It's always something with these two, isn't it?

On the rocks alert: More trouble for Kim'N'Kris.

Publications: National Enquirer, OK!, Star
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Kim'N'Kris barely had a honeymoon when it comes to coverage in the supermarket rags, and this week their new marriage is dragged through the mud by three different mags with three different takes on the source of the trouble. It should be noted that they are getting hit from all sides of the Naughty to Nice Spectrum, from the meanest rag the Enquirer to the nicest OK!, with Star thrown in for good measure.

The Enquirer's story is under a banner headline of "Dirty Divorces!", but a sub-headline of "Whose marriage can be saved - whose can't" holds out a small glimmer of hope for the Orc groom and his hot Hobbitt bride. Here are the headlines.

• Enquirer: Kris wants out - He's sick of Kim's whining and overspending
• Star: Kim betrayed!
  Hubby caught with two other women
• OK!: Kris and Kim: their nastiest fight ever
  

She Fought The Law Alert™: Chaz Bono's fiance arrested!

Publication: Star
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Star claims an exclusive with a story that Jennifer Elia, referred to as Chaz Bono's fiance, has been arrested. Though the cover does not mention Dancing With The Star, I assume the show is the reason for the recently increased interest in Chaz and his life, so it gets a label.

On the rocks alert: Halle's custody battle turns violent.

Publication: Star
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

The supermarket rags leave Halle Berry alone for the most part. The last time she was mentioned was when her ex Gabriel Aubry was romantically linked with Kim Kardashian for about a minute and a half earlier this year. Now there are "secret court papers" saying that her custody battle has grown violent.

Whatever excuse I get for using this picture of her, I don't mind.

'Cos she's purdy.

Meanest story nominee: Demi & Ashton's $290 million divroce!

Publication: Star
Date: 10 October 2011

It was thirteen months ago when Star broke the story about Ashton Kutcher cheating. For a few weeks, several of the supermarket rags piled on, but nothing came of it. This week, Star again accuses Kutcher of cheating and uses the majority of the cover to say it's the end of the marriage. Here are the headlines.

• They've been living apart for months
• Ashton's serial cheating exposed
• His secret fling with Britney Spears
• World exclusive: It's over!
• The final showdown

Kutcher has responded on Twitter with a link to the Public Enemy song Don't Believe The Hype.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

UPDATE: One week later, this story is on six covers, so whether a divorce actually comes of it or not, in retrospect this gets a Scoop of the Week label.

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™: Justin won't marry Jen!

Publication: Star
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! There are three stories about Jennifer Aniston and her upcoming wedding, supposedly late this year in Mexico. Leave it to Star to put a turd in the punch bowl with a cover that says Justin's "pals" say he won't go through with it.